So naturally this has me thinking about these issues, and being someone with extensive personal and professional experience in this area, its not like they're ever far from my mind anyway. (Hardly a day goes by when my dear Tess isn't in my arms weeping from the pain of her migraines.)
I posted a prayer request for Cheryl over there a little while ago. I'll post most of this there tomorrow, but I want to give time for the word to get out to the Multiply community to rally around her. (My posts here have been encores of some of the more generally relevant and interesting ones on Multiply, and this post will follow that pattern, just in reverse order.)
While death can mean the merciful end of suffering, there is no easy or good death in the absolute sense. The body was not meant to be separated from the soul, nor loved ones from each other. I've dealt with hundreds of deaths- lingering ones, fast ones, clean ones, ugly ones. In the end, I believe the pain's the same, as is the final outcome. For lingering deaths- say from degenerative neurological conditions or metastasized cancer, the grief is "front loaded" and people often feel a numbness and relief when its over. For sudden deaths (as my father's) the shock is hard and sharp. But I bet if you were to gather together and measure all the tears of the survivors in both situations, they'd come out the same.
There is no magic formula for the right way to grieve or deal with death or suffering, so long as you deal with it. Some people need to cry, some yell, some take it out physically, some go off to a lonely place, others seek solace socially. So long as you are aware of what is going on and what you're feeling, as brutal as it is to experience, you'll come through it. Its only when grief gets bottled up that problems arise. Locked away in the dark recesses of the heart, it ferments and grows. I've seen people explode with grief like a volcanic eruption years after the event.
So that's my only advice from my years as a pastor/chaplain and my extensive personal experiences (my wife's illness, preaching my father's funeral sermon, growing up in a dying family, etc.)
To those who are on the periphery though, I do have more specific and concrete advice.
- Always seek to help the person with the burdens of daily life- mowing the lawn, cooking dinner, doing the laundry or shopping, etc. What ever you can do to give the grieving parties the time and space they need is a wonderful gift and blessing.
- If you don't know what to say, then say "I don't know what to say" and then shut up. People often feel this strange compulsion to find some comforting words to say, convinced that somehow the right words will make everything better. Well, unless those words have the power to bring the dead back to life, they won't and can't. Both as a pastor and as a grieving son (I was both in that situation) I've heard well meaning loving people say some incredibly inapt and lame things...
- "I know how you are feeling,"
- "This is all part of God's plan,"
- "Be happy, they're with God now"
- (Were I to iterate what words went through my mind when I heard that sort of thing at my father's wake and funeral, it would cause the screen to burst into flames.)
- Ministry of presence and helping people with attending to their lives really is the best thing people who are friends of those who are grieving can do.
- That, and if you know them well enough to tell, watch for signs of bottling-up. Of course, "denial" is one of the classic "stages of grief" and its not uncommon for people to cycle through it. That in itself is not necessarily problemmatic- I'm talking denial which goes on weeks, months, YEARS.
Romans 8 (NIV)
18I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. 19The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. 20For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope 21that[i] the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.
22We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. 24For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? 25But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
26In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. 27And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.
There is so much here.
- First, that all creation feels our frustration over pain and sickness and death.
- Second, that we don't have to have the "right" words to pray- that our sighs and groans are enough.
13Then I heard a voice from heaven say, "Write: Blessed are the dead who die in the Lord from now on."
"Yes," says the Spirit, "they will rest from their labor, for their deeds will follow them."
& the German LutherBible 1545
13Und ich hörte eine Stimme vom Himmel zu mir sagen: Schreibe: Selig sind die Toten, die in dem HERRN sterben von nun an. Ja, der Geist spricht, daß sie ruhen von ihrer Arbeit; denn ihre Werke folgen ihnen nach.
I quoted the German too because the great German choral composer Heinrich Schuetz did a chorale based on it which I think is the finest wedding of words to music ever- "Selig sind die Toten"
And also because the order of the words in the last phrase is just perfect: for their works follow them after. Its such beautiful imagery, having the word "after" come after "follow them"- the mind's eye sees the person going to the afterlife being veritably chased by their good works on earth. So with my father I saw giant sunflowers (he planted them everywhere) and trees (them too) and street kids (he was an inner city teacher) and bar patrons massing in pursuit of him as he traveled through the pearly gates.
So when you think of someone you love being chased down by their good works on earth, what do you see? Starting from there, you can not only grieve but also celebrate, not only mourn the loss but be thankful for the gift.
Note well, I didn't say celebrate INSTEAD of grieve, be thankful INSTEAD OF mourn... but both! The dear people in our lives are indeed gifts. Its especially wonderful when we get the chance to thank them for being so as I did with my father. I didn't know he was going to die- it was totally out of the blue- but a few weeks before he died, I told him what a wonderful and dear father he was to me. But if that opportunity isn't given, then take the opportunity to give thanks for the person or to the person... according to your own personal spiritual beliefs.
That's enough, and I hope its helpful. I'll close with the video I recorded for Cheryl and her beloved back in November. She knew he was terminal, so when she bought my rug, she asked me to say a blessing over it. So I dug out my old pastor duds (not all have gone into rugs, *grin*) and did so. I did it on video so they could share and see it and be strengthened by it, and they were kind enough to give me permission to share it with the general public. Though originally intended for them, it goes out to all who need it now... there are so many... including us. (For indeed, such pain as Tess suffers daily would be illegal were it performed as a form of interrogation or punishment.)
Online Videos by Veoh.com
Postscript- Noon Weds: Selig sind die Toten!
I just found out my friend's husband passed this morning. I'm in shock and grief, even though I knew he was terminal from the time I got to know her early in my days at 360 (where I blogged before multiply.)
Its amazing too... I've never met her, never even spoken with her, but I so feel for her. That our connection and bond is mediated by technology doesn't matter now...this is real grief, not virtual!
I guess that's a testimony to the efficacy of the medium, but right now I feel like crap. I think its time to take Killian and Hilde out for a looooooooooooooooong walk.
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